She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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