i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
