the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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