Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Be still, my beating vagina.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
