The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
