I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
