Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
you didnt know i had herpes?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
