how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
