Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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