so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
