I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
