Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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