I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
