you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
