Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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