I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
BRING THE BAGELS
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
