I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
