This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
do herpes really smell.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
