smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
