Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
