I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
