I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
