well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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