i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize