Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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