The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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