just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
