I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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