ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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