and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
