How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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