I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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