Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You pole danced in your parka.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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