my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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