It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
