Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
