i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
