i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
