Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
