I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
