and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
