I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
