Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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