I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
