Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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