are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
