Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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