Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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