So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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