I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
